JR'S Free Thought Pages
            No Gods  ~ No Masters   


                                             Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks was an extraordinary comedian and intelligent human being who cared deeply about his country and the state of the world. Sadly he died from pancreatic cancer in 1994 at the young age of 32.

Web Sites devoted to Bill Hicks:

 http://sazmatazz.users.btopenworld.com/ and  http://www.billhicks.com/

                              Some quotes from Bill Hicks' comedy routines

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes

All governments are lying cock suckers.

Quit putting a god damn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

The Loch Ness monster is actually a submarine, driven by Bigfoot.

All our beliefs are now being challenged, and rightfully so – they're stupid.

I just cannot believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, 'This Bud's for you'.

I have this feeling man, 'cause you know, it's just a handful of people who run everything, you know … that's true, it's provable. It's not … I'm not a fucking conspiracy nut, it's provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you're in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, "Roll the film." And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you've never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it's from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, "Any questions?" "Er, just what my agenda is." "First we bomb Baghdad." "You got it …"

I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! "Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options."

I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. It’s got to be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

"Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God… might be… fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha." [mimes God burying fossils] "I am God, I am a prankster." "I am killing Me."

Seriously, does it bother anyone else that God might be fucking with our heads?! [Mimes digging] "Ho ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now!"

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalization for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the destroyer of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's going to be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Double mint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago so just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

I'm going to share with you a vision that I had, because I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman"

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is 6,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 6,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 6,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?



You know the world is 6,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in Loch Ness for Oh so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests? Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

These Christian Fundamentalists want to get creationism taught in our science classes. I would have been all for it when I was in high school. - easy credits. “OK class, God created the universe in six days and rested on the seventh. See you at the final exam.”

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't want to pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I have to do is change 3 letters on ma belt...

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

"Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, "We still live in a dangerous world."...Thanks to you, you fucker!"

"By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself. No, no, no it's just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root - I don't know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do. Aaah, no really, there's no rationalization for what you do and you are Satan's little helpers, Okay - kill yourself - seriously. You are the destroyer of all things good, seriously. No this is not a joke, you're going, "there's going to be a joke coming," there's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a joke... there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags! "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research - huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags!

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..." And we... kill those people.

"We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you've been great."

People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

And I'll tell you something too. That's starting to annoy me about UFOs, the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like … Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean?

To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: "Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth." Fuck it – I've found my brand! "Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights." Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. "What are you smoking, Dave?" "Throat Polyps. Want one?" "No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails."

I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. "Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said." I said, "Then forgive me." Later on, when I was hanging from the tree …

They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux British accent] "Mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln log in me sock drawer." "That's the story of Jesus!"

Do you all have different books in the Bible than I do? Are you all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms! Every one of them: "This Bible was placed here by a Gideon." When? I've been here all day and I ain't seen shit! I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the mini-bar guy come and go, I've never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon! What are they, ninjas? Where are they? Where are they from? Gidea? Who the fuck are these people?!

I'm going to capture a Gideon. Yeah, I'm going to make that my hobby. I'll call up the front desk one day and say, "Uh, I don't seem to have a Bible in my room."

    People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "isn’t humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

    What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people … are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: "They're annoying, they're idiots." "They're evil, they're fucks!" Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me …

"We're pro-life." Eww, you look it! You look like you're filled with life.

"I'm a non-smoker. I'm pro-life. I'm a pro-life non-smoker." Let the party begin.

"I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. [Mimes gunshots] Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me!" Please, give me the Satan-worshiping family down the block … the ones that have the good albums.

Here is my actual theory … beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, "Why don't you do that?" And I say, "Because I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less." Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human … till you're in my phone book.

I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: "Are you proud to be an American?" And I was like, "Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all."

I hate patriotism. I can’t stand it, man — makes me fuckin’ sick. It’s a round world last time I checked.

Here's how I feel about gays in the military: Anyone … dumb enough … to want to be in the military … should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don't care how many push-ups you can do – put on a helmet, go wait in that fox hole. We'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. I've been watching all these Congressional hearings and all these military guys and all the pundits going, "The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral …" Excuse me, but aren't you all a bunch of fucking hired killers? Shut up! You are thugs, and when we need you to go blow the fuck out of a nation of little brown people, we'll let you know. Until then …

And don't tell me this is the military that protects our freedom – hey, ladies and gentlemen, there ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us. They don't exist. Oh – I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first. All right, if you want to split hairs, you got a point. "Bill, what about the nations we sell arms to and then blow the fuck out of?" Okay, they might be scary for about a day!

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!"

Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about the elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink orange drink.

- After being asked to do an advertisement for orange drink

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Can't you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just … [pee noise] Just standing around pissing on him, and his piggly-wiggly dick can't get hard. So they call in Barbara Bush …

Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not going to be here, now what? Now where are we? [voice rises faster] We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's … you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! [shouting] That's where we're fucking at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in this goddamn world! That's where we're at! Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever! Kill 'em all, Adolf, all of 'em! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill 'em all! Start over, the experiment didn't work! [despairingly] Rain forty days, please fucking rain to wash these turds off my fucking life! Wash these human wastes of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you, God, to kill these fucking people!

Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smoking and they just walk up to you … [starts coughing in the naggy-I-want-you-to-stop kinda' cough] I always say, "Shit, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's some cough you got there, dude. I'm smoking, you're coughing. Wow." That's kind of cruel, man, going up to a smoker and coughing. Shit! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks? "Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!"

How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.

I was in Fyffe, Alabama last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waiter walks over to me:

"Hey, what you readin' for?"

Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading … for.

"Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hmm … I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is … so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waiter."

But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes:

"Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader."

What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!

This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: "What, what?" Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special … ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milky way shoots into my jockey shorts: "Unngh … what's for fucking breakfast?!"

"Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag."

"Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit."

"He died in the Korean War."

"Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea."

No one – and I repeat, no one – has ever died for a flag. See, a flag … is just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fucking flag, see. That's freedom.

But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's going to take a very special woman … or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals … and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women … he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: "And I'm not getting laid."

Okay, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humor that you always talk about in your little women's polls. "Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches." It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks – achey breaky fucking dick this guy is – Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals.

You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's going to have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are going to say: "What a cute butt." "He's Satan!" "You don't know him like I do." "He's the Prince of Darkness!" "I can change him."

And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. "Hey, aren't you Satan?" "Shut up." "Ooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there." "Shut up." You'll see him at the supermarket buying "Tampons, aisle three …" "Aren't you Satan?" "Shut up." "You're pussy-whipped!" "No, I'm Satan! Grrr!" "You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!"

"You know Debbie Gibson writes all her own songs?" No! Fucking just pull me up a chair. "Yeah, she writes all her own songs about her own real life experiences. "Yeah, what's the next one called? Mom why am I bleeding? When did we start listening to pre-pubescent white girls? I musta missed that meeting. We have at our fingertips the greatest minds of all-time, the knowledge and history of the greatest thinkers of ALL FUCKING TIME, but no, what's that little white girl saying? Let's go put Debbie Gibsons thoughts on compact disc so they'll never be destroyed.

Is it me? I mean, goddamn it, I remember when music had balls man. Does anybody remember that at all? Jimi Hendrix? Any question about that guy?

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